WHY I STAYED: A decade of life and ministry in Indonesia
People love to ask me, “Do you think you’ll live in Indonesia forever?”
And I get it. It’s a fair question. I’ve been here nearly a decade. I’ve had a motorbike wreck, survived dengue fever (twice), navigated cultural faux pas, mastered the art of eating spicy food without crying (most days), and somehow ended up pastoring a church of 900 people.
But even after all this time, my answer is still… complicated.
Because the answer doesn’t start today—it started years ago. At a time when I didn’t know where my life was headed or how I’d ever hear God clearly enough to follow Him halfway around the world.
So to really answer it, let’s rewind the tape.
I was 18, a senior in high school, and the girl with the big dreams and the color-coded planner. I was going to be a doctor. A legit, stethoscope-wearing, life-saving doctor. I had it all mapped out: pre-med track, maybe join the Air Force, then head to Vanderbilt for medical school. Easy.
But then came AP Chemistry.
Let’s just say chemistry and I had irreconcilable differences. I failed. And that failure shattered something I hadn’t realized I was holding onto so tightly: my identity as “the smart one.” If I couldn’t pass high school chemistry, how was I supposed to survive medical school?
Cue the panic spiral.
And then, out of nowhere, God reminded me of something I’d totally forgotten. Years earlier, someone had casually said to me, “You should spend a year in Indonesia after high school.” I remember smiling politely and brushing it off like a weird suggestion from a Christian fortune cookie. But now? It resurfaced with a strange sort of clarity.
I still knew I needed to go to college, so I applied to a Bible college back in the States, majoring in Communications and Media. Why? Because I had randomly fallen in love with video production during an elective in high school—and it was literally the only thing I could see myself enjoying that wasn’t chemistry-adjacent.
Then I figured out a way to do school online and spend a year in Indonesia. Win-win.
At barely 19, I packed my bags, hugged my family goodbye, and boarded a plane that would take me across the world. It was only my second or third time flying. I didn’t speak the language. I didn’t know the culture. And honestly, I didn’t really know what I was doing.
I just knew I was supposed to go.
It started in Singapore.
I landed, got horrifically sick in the middle of the street, and had a full-on “What have I done?” moment. Once we made it into Indonesia, things didn’t get much better. I was constantly ill, overwhelmed, exhausted, and deeply homesick.
The language barrier was annoying. The cultural differences were disorienting. And spiritually? I was flailing.
Yes, God was working. Yes, there were glimpses of beauty and breakthrough. Yes, people were coming to Jesus. But I couldn’t get past the constant sense of discomfort. I felt out of place, disqualified, and downright miserable most days.
After 11 months, I limped back to the States and made myself a promise: I will never go back unless I am 1000% sure that God is calling me.
That Christmas break, I went to a Bethel concert in Oklahoma City. I didn’t go expecting anything earth-shattering—I just went with a friend, needing a night of worship and maybe a little clarity.
And then, mid-song, in a room full of strangers, God spoke.
Not audibly, but loudly enough in my spirit that it might as well have been shouted from the stage: “Go back to Indonesia.”
I couldn’t ignore it. I couldn’t shake it. I couldn’t deny it. The peace that followed was unexplainable.
I talked to my pastor a few days later to process it all, and before I even opened my mouth, he said, “You’re going back to Indonesia, aren’t you?”
That moment confirmed it.
It wasn’t just the voice or the peace that made me go back. It was the confirmation after confirmation:
My clothes suddenly all seemed to be “Made in Indonesia” (seriously, it was creepy and divine).
I raised all my support in just three months—faster than I ever had before.
My friends and family? Unanimously supportive.
Doors opened. Hearts aligned. My fear didn’t disappear, but it became smaller than my faith.
And so, 8 months after I’d left, I was packing my bags again.
If I had to describe the last 9 years in Indonesia, I’d say this: It’s been a holy sifting.
Each season had its own theme, its own trials, and its own transformation:
2016–2017:
Finding My Place
Learning to live in the tension of cultural differences and discovering that calling doesn’t always feel comfortable.
2017–2019:
Messy Obedience
I made mistakes. Big ones. But I learned that God’s grace doesn’t just cover our mess—it grows something in it.
2020–2022:
Inner Healing
The pandemic years stripped everything down. It was in the silence and stillness that I faced the parts of myself I had avoided—and finally let God heal them.
2023–2025:
Grief, Loss & Burnout
This season has been the hardest yet. Saying goodbye to a sport I had loved my whole life. Learning how to walk and run again. Feeling the weight of leadership. Carrying more than I thought I could handle. But God has taught me what it means to stay faithful in the face of fatigue.
I came to Indonesia thinking I’d teach some video editing classes and play guitar in a few worship sets.
Instead, I’ve been the church’s production director, youth pastor, generations pastor, and now—by some miracle of heaven—a campus pastor overseeing a thriving international church.
Being a pastor was never on my life goals list.
But funny enough? It all makes sense now.
I once wanted to be a doctor because I wanted to bring healing to people.
And today? I still do that—just in a different way.
I’ve watched people receive emotional healing, spiritual restoration, and deliverance through Jesus Christ. And nothing compares.
So here I am—one broken elbow, one knee surgery, one motorbike wreck, and one mental breakdown later—still in Indonesia. Still showing up. Still saying yes.
Is it forever? I don’t know.
But that’s not really the point.
God never asked me to map out the next 30 years. He asked me to be faithful today.
“If you are faithful in little things, you will be faithful in large ones.” —
Luke 16:10 NLT
That’s the lesson I keep learning.
So… Will I Stay Forever?
Maybe. Maybe not.
But I’ve learned that calling isn’t about geography—it’s about obedience.
And if being faithful one day at a time can help bring healing, hope, and Jesus to this island?
Then I’m all in. For as long as He asks me to be.
